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GRAVITY: Before you laugh, let me explain. I am DEATHLY afraid of falling. Heights don't bother me if I'm in an enclosed space (building, airplane), but when all that comes between me and plunging to my death is a flimsy guardrail, my knees start knocking. If I'm in a balcony at a theater or stadium and get too close to the rail (which, in my opinion, would have to come up to at least chest hieght to be effective), I start feeling all lightheaded and have to move away. When I visited the Grand Canyon I got within 10 feet of the edge and I couldn't wlll myself to go any closer to the rail. I have this irrational thought that if I get to the edge, either I lose all control over my will and jump off, or gravity will reach up it's evil hand and pluck me off the edge and send my plunging to my death. This intensified after having kids. I would be walking by the loft upstairs holding my baby, and was sure that some unseen force was going to rip her out of my hands and send her crashing to the floor below.

BEING ALONE AT NIGHT: As independent as I like to think of myself, I turn into a scared 6 year old when I have to be by myself at night in the house. I start hearing noises, and I swear the way the stairs creak it sounds like someone is on them. The clunks, creaks, thumps and hums of the devices I own drive me mad at night. I keep thinking of what I would do if an intruder actually came in. My bedroom is situated in such a way that I could lock 3 doors between my perceived attacker and myself, or I could jump out the window, 2 stories, and hopefully not break anything. Then what about the children. How can I keep them safe if I'm asleep. There's not even enough room to hide under the bed!

TORNADOES: Being from the Midwest, this one is not altogether irrational, but really, the chances of being in one, let alone seeing one, are pretty remote where I live. This one started before I had kids. I was ALONE at night, by MYSELF (seeing a trend here?), and DH was somewhere in transit from work, when the sirens went off and the sky was a nasty shade of green. I huddled with my bird and a cell phone in the powder room until the sirens sounded the all clear (or until husband got home, don't remember which came first). Ever since then, whenever I feel overwhelmed or feel like my life is in chaos, I have dreams about tornadoes. And not just one, they breed in my dreams and I'll often be fleeing a half dozen of them or more. I always wake up right before they hit (thank goodness). Last year my unconsious decided to have fun with the natural disaster theme and I had dreams about tidal waves that were easily 100 feet high sweeping my family away. As I write all this down, I start thinking I could really use professional help!

SPIDERS AND ICKY BUGS IN GENERAL: This does not include butterflies or ladybugs (well, maybe the ones that bite). Actually, this one has eased up a bit since having kids (have to be "brave" for them), but at it's height, it was BAD!! If I found a spider anywhere in my room, it had to be KILLED and FLUSHED before I would go back in. Let me be specific in that it needs to be flushed down the toilet. If it's just squished in a tissue and tossed in the garbage can, it can miraculously resurrect, get it's spider zombie friends, and come crawl on me in the middle of the night. I used to have nightmares of these too. Except in my dreams they were GIANT and crawling on the ceiling, or dropping from it right in front of me. One time when DH and I were dating, I went out to my car to go home to find it COVERED in those little white transulscent spiders (probably came from the trees). I couldn't even make myself open the door. I was sure that if we couldn't ensure that all of them were gone, one would surprise me when I was on the expressway in the middle of the night, I would freak out, and drive off of a bridge. No kidding. Needless to say, I spent the night and his place. And don't get me started on earwigs. Even the name is gross. I went to bed late one night, washed my face and dried it on the towel. As I pulled the towel away, there was an earwig, RIGHT THERE where my face had been!! I screamed so loud I woke up the entire household! One other time, a co-worker plucked one off of my shoulder. Either it was hiding on my clothes in my closet and I didn't notice when I put the blouse on (((shudder))), or it dropped from a tree when I was walking to work. Regarding other creepy-crawlies. One of the reasons I've avoided having a vegetable garden is because I would want to plant tomatoes, but I really, REALLY, would hate to come across one of those giant green caterpiller/wormy things that like tomatoe plants. My dad found one once, and I haven't forgotten it since.

There you go. All of my biggest phobias in a nice tidy little package. Enjoy!
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1. The plastic strip on the front of my fridge has been ripped of by my darling daughter (she was 1 1/2, she's 3 now.)

2. The ice dispenser on said fridge no longer dispenses ice. So we all have to grab the ice from inside with our grimy hands. I try not to think about it too much.

3. Our coat closet is missing one of it's two bi-fold doors. Guess what, the kids broke that too! And I have 2 girls. Thank God I didn't have boys, I wouldn't have a house left!

4. The ceiling in the kitchen needs to be sanded and painted. OK, now I know we created this one when we installed new fixtures, but I can guarantee you that this time next year, it will look exactly the same as it does right now.

5. The microwave in the basement doesn't work. Not even the clock. I went to make popcorn the first time I used it. The popcorn burned and the microwave took it personally and committed suicide for all I can tell. Doesn't even have a pulse.

6. We need some serious landscaping in front of our house. Last summer we pulled out these atrocious bushes that we inherited and currently there isn't much growing. Granted, it's still technically winter, but I'm working on a great mud pit, come spring rains!

7. Speaking of the exterior, there is a section of trim on our garage that needs painting. We had our flag there until a violent wind storm ripped the whole damn thing off, screws and all.

8. My youngest daughters closet is missing a knob. Even I'm afraid to ask how this happened.

9. One window in our family room has a massive crack in it (18 inches or so). When we bought the house it was only about 4 inches long. 2 cold winters and hot summers later, it has grown. We're just fascinated with it now. We're placing bets on how big it gets by this summer.

10. Our paladian (half-circle) window above the entry is foggy with condensation. This means the seal is no longer good, and it's insulation properties are relatively null and void. We are afraid to find out how much a replacement would be.

11. Our master bathroom. This is the one room in which we didn't replace the carpet. Yes, carpet in the bathroom. Also, there is only a fan in what I would call the water closet (toilet room?) and it doesn't do anything for moisture. When we finally win the lottery and have money to have it redone, we'll pull up the carpet and replace it with tile, maybe with a heater in the floor. In the meantime, I don't want to know what kind of mold, fungus, etc. could be living in and below those carpet fibers. Another thing I try not to think about.

The problem is, my husband and I know we need to fix these things, but we're too fucking lazy. You know, surfing the internet is a perfectly reasonable way to spend my time. Sadly, we are also part owners in a construction/contracting company. We probably should take advantage of this, but we don't. Well, we did, to refinish the basement and put in crown molding (to hide the fact that the ceiling seams "pop" every winter), and paint the interior of the house, and to put in hardwood floors on the first floor, but we're tapped out. Not to mention it feels strange to have a bunch of dirty, smelly guys in my house. Plus the dumpster in the driveway really makes the neighbors happy!
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