Personal
August 08, 2007
There is an issue I’ve been wrestling with lately. It has popped up off and on in my life since I was a teenager. What do I believe?
Like the majority of people, I was raised in the faith of my parents. I dutifully went to church and catechism class every Sunday. I went to a Catholic high school. During this time, I tried to believe and “have faith”, but I often started rebelling. Battles were fought over going to church (I lost every time). Then the battle would be about what I wore to church. The only part I ever truly enjoyed was the music and singing during the guitar mass. That might also be due to the fact that the organist at our church was this guy that was older than dirt who played everything at the same tempo.
That tempo would be “funeral dirge”.
Then I went to college. I didn’t go away to college, I commuted, driving from the suburbs to the city and back again every day. Once I loosened up a bit and started meeting people, I went into overdrive with the thirst for knowledge. Before college, I never knew anyone non-Catholic. Now I was meeting Jews, Hindus, Muslims, Atheists, and more. The fundamentalist were trying to recruit everywhere. It was quite mind-blowing for this sheltered Catholic girl from the suburbs. In fact, in my first year of Biology, I met the girl who for the first time challenged the creationist thinking I had come to college with. I’m not saying that evolution wasn’t taught, I’m saying…..well, come to think of it, I don’t remember much emphasis on evolution in high school, but my argument was always “Yes, I see your point, but who/what created the universe?” or “How can you explain how life just came to be?” All the circular arguments for which neither of us had a definitive answer.
I met my husband my first year there. He was slow to tell me things about his family. How they didn’t really believe in anything. It was a concept I had a hard time wrapping my brain around. I remember, soon after we became a serious couple, having a conversation that he was visibly terrified to have. You see, his grandmother had him convinced that because I was Catholic I was going to try to convert him. Nothing could be further from the truth, of course, but the air had to be cleared for him to rest easy. Still during this time I went to church with my parents on Sundays, the strength to fight overridden by the desire not to rock the boat. It had become something we just…did.
When we were engaged a few years later, we went to pre-cana class (which was required to be married in the church) and were married by a Catholic priest, more for tradition and because it was expected. I’ve pretty much always done what was expected, too scared to exert any independence because, for whatever reason, my family scared the crap out of me. I felt that if I had chosen to do something unpopular (for lack of a better word) that I would live my whole life with them reminding me at every opportunity that I turned my back on how I was raised, and I wasn’t sure I would have the strength to test that feeling.
The first time that I really started acting of my own accord was when we had children. But even then, compromises were made. In the hospital, you answer questions as to what the child’s (or more accurately, family’s) faith is. Steve encouraged me to answer Catholic at the time, because he grew up in an area that was either Catholic or Jewish, and he wasn’t either of those. He remembers feeling like an outsider and he didn’t want that for our children. However, we haven’t nor will we ever have them baptized. This was actually one of the easier decisions to make. I felt I didn’t want them to grow up knowing only one religion. We want them to feel free to explore religion (or not) when they are older without the feeling of obligation I had growing up. Often I heard my grandfather say that it was killing him that my kids weren’t baptized, and my SIL used to ask if we’d ever change our minds because she would love to be a godmother. Well, my grandfather died (and I’m sure that our non-baptized kids were NOT the reason) and my SIL doesn’t ask anymore.
Enter current events. I can easily say that I had NEVER before had any interest in politics or world events, but 9/11 changed that quickly. Once I came out of the shock that people hate us that much, and started to realize that the government doesn’t always have our best interests in mind, I started paying more attention. Now, I will admit that I have liberal democratic leanings, so of course that is what I am drawn to. I started reading non-fiction. And not just any non-fiction, but political non-fiction. I started paying closer attention to current events. I started watching documentaries. I pushed aside the veil of my youth and grew up. I went back to school, and took biology classes. I felt like I was finally seeing the light and the truth. I was free to think for myself, and it was encouraged. With all this quest for knowledge and understanding, I started to doubt. I started to doubt my religious beliefs (not that they could be called that anymore). Looking at what our country and our world has become in the name of god, I questioned all religious beliefs. I became more agnostic than Catholic. I questioned far more than I accepted.
Religion and god have gotten more of my attention in the past 6 months than I have honestly given it before. And where I see myself headed is both scary and thrilling. I’m seeing that religion is a man-made construct that throughout history has been used for both good and evil. Great atrocities have been committed in the name of god. Sure great good has been done as well, and both can be done in the absence of religion, but I’m starting to believe in something else. I’m believing more in humanity, both the good and the ugly. Given a situation, someone can choose either the path of truth, respect and goodness, or they can choose to hurt, damage, and dismantle. And that is the core of it, the choice.
Isn’t that what defines us? Our choices, our actions? I’ve made a lot of choices out of fear, and a result of that is denying who I am to some point. If I define myself in a way that is different than the majority, but is true to who I am, my choices and actions would define me, not some label that I no longer identify with. I am loathe to apply a label to myself, to give people the opportunity to pre-judge me without knowing me, so I won’t. I believe I’m on a path that only I can take, and only I will know if it is the right one. I am no longer going to live in fear of what people think. If you like me, fine. If you love me, great, I probably love you too! If you hate me? Well, I guess somebody has to.
Personal growth is seldom easy, but it is interesting as hell.
Like the majority of people, I was raised in the faith of my parents. I dutifully went to church and catechism class every Sunday. I went to a Catholic high school. During this time, I tried to believe and “have faith”, but I often started rebelling. Battles were fought over going to church (I lost every time). Then the battle would be about what I wore to church. The only part I ever truly enjoyed was the music and singing during the guitar mass. That might also be due to the fact that the organist at our church was this guy that was older than dirt who played everything at the same tempo.
That tempo would be “funeral dirge”.
Then I went to college. I didn’t go away to college, I commuted, driving from the suburbs to the city and back again every day. Once I loosened up a bit and started meeting people, I went into overdrive with the thirst for knowledge. Before college, I never knew anyone non-Catholic. Now I was meeting Jews, Hindus, Muslims, Atheists, and more. The fundamentalist were trying to recruit everywhere. It was quite mind-blowing for this sheltered Catholic girl from the suburbs. In fact, in my first year of Biology, I met the girl who for the first time challenged the creationist thinking I had come to college with. I’m not saying that evolution wasn’t taught, I’m saying…..well, come to think of it, I don’t remember much emphasis on evolution in high school, but my argument was always “Yes, I see your point, but who/what created the universe?” or “How can you explain how life just came to be?” All the circular arguments for which neither of us had a definitive answer.
I met my husband my first year there. He was slow to tell me things about his family. How they didn’t really believe in anything. It was a concept I had a hard time wrapping my brain around. I remember, soon after we became a serious couple, having a conversation that he was visibly terrified to have. You see, his grandmother had him convinced that because I was Catholic I was going to try to convert him. Nothing could be further from the truth, of course, but the air had to be cleared for him to rest easy. Still during this time I went to church with my parents on Sundays, the strength to fight overridden by the desire not to rock the boat. It had become something we just…did.
When we were engaged a few years later, we went to pre-cana class (which was required to be married in the church) and were married by a Catholic priest, more for tradition and because it was expected. I’ve pretty much always done what was expected, too scared to exert any independence because, for whatever reason, my family scared the crap out of me. I felt that if I had chosen to do something unpopular (for lack of a better word) that I would live my whole life with them reminding me at every opportunity that I turned my back on how I was raised, and I wasn’t sure I would have the strength to test that feeling.
The first time that I really started acting of my own accord was when we had children. But even then, compromises were made. In the hospital, you answer questions as to what the child’s (or more accurately, family’s) faith is. Steve encouraged me to answer Catholic at the time, because he grew up in an area that was either Catholic or Jewish, and he wasn’t either of those. He remembers feeling like an outsider and he didn’t want that for our children. However, we haven’t nor will we ever have them baptized. This was actually one of the easier decisions to make. I felt I didn’t want them to grow up knowing only one religion. We want them to feel free to explore religion (or not) when they are older without the feeling of obligation I had growing up. Often I heard my grandfather say that it was killing him that my kids weren’t baptized, and my SIL used to ask if we’d ever change our minds because she would love to be a godmother. Well, my grandfather died (and I’m sure that our non-baptized kids were NOT the reason) and my SIL doesn’t ask anymore.
Enter current events. I can easily say that I had NEVER before had any interest in politics or world events, but 9/11 changed that quickly. Once I came out of the shock that people hate us that much, and started to realize that the government doesn’t always have our best interests in mind, I started paying more attention. Now, I will admit that I have liberal democratic leanings, so of course that is what I am drawn to. I started reading non-fiction. And not just any non-fiction, but political non-fiction. I started paying closer attention to current events. I started watching documentaries. I pushed aside the veil of my youth and grew up. I went back to school, and took biology classes. I felt like I was finally seeing the light and the truth. I was free to think for myself, and it was encouraged. With all this quest for knowledge and understanding, I started to doubt. I started to doubt my religious beliefs (not that they could be called that anymore). Looking at what our country and our world has become in the name of god, I questioned all religious beliefs. I became more agnostic than Catholic. I questioned far more than I accepted.
Religion and god have gotten more of my attention in the past 6 months than I have honestly given it before. And where I see myself headed is both scary and thrilling. I’m seeing that religion is a man-made construct that throughout history has been used for both good and evil. Great atrocities have been committed in the name of god. Sure great good has been done as well, and both can be done in the absence of religion, but I’m starting to believe in something else. I’m believing more in humanity, both the good and the ugly. Given a situation, someone can choose either the path of truth, respect and goodness, or they can choose to hurt, damage, and dismantle. And that is the core of it, the choice.
Isn’t that what defines us? Our choices, our actions? I’ve made a lot of choices out of fear, and a result of that is denying who I am to some point. If I define myself in a way that is different than the majority, but is true to who I am, my choices and actions would define me, not some label that I no longer identify with. I am loathe to apply a label to myself, to give people the opportunity to pre-judge me without knowing me, so I won’t. I believe I’m on a path that only I can take, and only I will know if it is the right one. I am no longer going to live in fear of what people think. If you like me, fine. If you love me, great, I probably love you too! If you hate me? Well, I guess somebody has to.
Personal growth is seldom easy, but it is interesting as hell.
amy · 11:40 PM ·
take your meds ·
December 22, 2006
Ok, so I have this friend.
No...really. And she is the mother of a darling boy in Em's class. Well, we seemed to hit it off right off the bat. All was good, but I had the feeling I needed to take things to the next level.
I gave her the address to my blog. Only about 3 people I know in real life even know the address. Unless there are others who stumbled here and have prudently kept their mouths shut. So this was a big deal for me.
She has visited, and didn't think I was a complete freak, so I guess I did a good job of hiding the skeletons back in the closet.
Everyone wave and say "Hi!" to Sue!
Hi Sue!
No...really. And she is the mother of a darling boy in Em's class. Well, we seemed to hit it off right off the bat. All was good, but I had the feeling I needed to take things to the next level.
I gave her the address to my blog. Only about 3 people I know in real life even know the address. Unless there are others who stumbled here and have prudently kept their mouths shut. So this was a big deal for me.
She has visited, and didn't think I was a complete freak, so I guess I did a good job of hiding the skeletons back in the closet.
Everyone wave and say "Hi!" to Sue!
Hi Sue!
amy · 08:45 AM ·
2 comments ·
October 19, 2006
Driving home from Starbucks, sipping my morning latte, a feeling came over me that has lately been unfamiliar, but wholeheartedly welcomed. Could it be I felt happy and content?
And what was that unusual thing my mouth was doing...it was...unbelievable....it was smiling!
So much time has been spent stressing out over my surroundings and school and everything else that these feelings had gone into hiding quite some time ago.
Looking deep into the chambers of my heart, I found contentment, standing, yawning, and stretching, ready to take its place back in my soul. And I found happiness hiding behind my spleen (which no longer needed venting). It was bored and ready to come out to play.
I'm trying my damndest not to question or analyze this peace I found suddenly and unexpectedly this morning. My first instinct is to analyze it and figure out why I feel this way, when ever other morning for the past few months I've experienced a niggling irritation with the world around me. But I just want to enjoy it, and savor it, and nurture it. I want to encourage it to stay and find a permenent residence inside me somewhere. Until I pick up Becca in an hour and a half, I'm going to feed my soul with whatever it desires. For a short while, I'm going to not think about what I should do, and just do what makes me happy.
And what was that unusual thing my mouth was doing...it was...unbelievable....it was smiling!
So much time has been spent stressing out over my surroundings and school and everything else that these feelings had gone into hiding quite some time ago.
Looking deep into the chambers of my heart, I found contentment, standing, yawning, and stretching, ready to take its place back in my soul. And I found happiness hiding behind my spleen (which no longer needed venting). It was bored and ready to come out to play.
I'm trying my damndest not to question or analyze this peace I found suddenly and unexpectedly this morning. My first instinct is to analyze it and figure out why I feel this way, when ever other morning for the past few months I've experienced a niggling irritation with the world around me. But I just want to enjoy it, and savor it, and nurture it. I want to encourage it to stay and find a permenent residence inside me somewhere. Until I pick up Becca in an hour and a half, I'm going to feed my soul with whatever it desires. For a short while, I'm going to not think about what I should do, and just do what makes me happy.
• Happy and Content
March 09, 2006
Ever have one of those dreams that is such a punch in the gut it wakes you up? I dreamt that Steve cheated on me, and finally admitted it when I asked him directly. In turn I made his life a living hell. Who knew I had it in me?
I took it to mean I was feeling abandoned. He left for Amsterdam on Tuesday and won't be back until next Thursday. Of course, I brought up my dream in our IM conversation this morning, and it resulted in him teasing me:
Him: oh yeah i forgot to tell you about my girlfriend here
Me: uh huh
Me: Olga?
Me: Helga?
Me: Heidi?
Him: chantal, and she's not a blow up
Me: chantal?
Him: Common dutch first name
Me: it's her dutch cooking that won you over
Me: she makes it almost edible
I took it to mean I was feeling abandoned. He left for Amsterdam on Tuesday and won't be back until next Thursday. Of course, I brought up my dream in our IM conversation this morning, and it resulted in him teasing me:
Him: oh yeah i forgot to tell you about my girlfriend here
Me: uh huh
Me: Olga?
Me: Helga?
Me: Heidi?
Him: chantal, and she's not a blow up
Me: chantal?
Him: Common dutch first name
Me: it's her dutch cooking that won you over
Me: she makes it almost edible
January 31, 2006
Unfortunately, I'm thinking about everything except biology (test tonight).
I'll give you a little teaser.
We own two houses. One of which has greater potential for future value.
More later.
I'll give you a little teaser.
We own two houses. One of which has greater potential for future value.
More later.
January 18, 2006
Guess which one is a lie:
1) I've been kissed by a giraffe
2) I stole a bottle of champagne from the bride and groom's cake table at a wedding
3) I helped my dad build a TV from a kit (that actually worked)
4) I once drove my car with no pants on
Ok, game on!
1) I've been kissed by a giraffe
2) I stole a bottle of champagne from the bride and groom's cake table at a wedding
3) I helped my dad build a TV from a kit (that actually worked)
4) I once drove my car with no pants on
Ok, game on!
December 06, 2005
....and my wedding ring too. Remember when I said I lost my ring? Steve automatically suspected the cleaning ladies, I gave them the benefit of the doubt...until this weekend.
I wanted to wear my diamond heart necklace but when I went to get it, it was nowhere to be found. Now I know I misplace things often, but losing two pieces of diamond jewelry? That seems highly coincidental doesn't it?
I'm still not 100% sure it's them, but all other explanations have been exhausted. The necklace was the clincher. The worst thing is, it could have been taken at the same time and I just noticed now, since I rotate my jewelry and haven't worn that one in a while. Those were my two most precious pieces of jewelry, and not for monetary reasons, but for sentimental ones. Obviously my wedding ring (and engagement ring - they were fused together) means a lot to me, and the diamond heart was given to me after I had Emily. It was the first piece of jewelry that Steve picked out all on his own and it was perfect.
So I'm calling the company today and telling them I no longer need their services because I'm no longer comfortable having them in my house. I'm a trusting person by nature, so when stuff like this happens, it tends to totally throw me for a loop. It's incredibly disappointing to me because I really don't want to believe they took it, but all evidence seems to point that way.
Even if we replace the ring, it won't be quite the same, knowing it's not my original wedding ring and engagement ring. And I'm heartbroken over my necklace.
UPDATE: To add to my suspicion, the phone number for the office is being "checked for problems". Um yeah, since Saturday. I'm going to try to send an urgent email and see what happens.
UPDATE #2: I heard back from the company. They will be investigating on their end, and their policy is to submit a police report, which is what I am going to do as well. They had moved, hence the phone number problems. Yet, I don't have much hope in the jewelry being recovered.
I wanted to wear my diamond heart necklace but when I went to get it, it was nowhere to be found. Now I know I misplace things often, but losing two pieces of diamond jewelry? That seems highly coincidental doesn't it?
I'm still not 100% sure it's them, but all other explanations have been exhausted. The necklace was the clincher. The worst thing is, it could have been taken at the same time and I just noticed now, since I rotate my jewelry and haven't worn that one in a while. Those were my two most precious pieces of jewelry, and not for monetary reasons, but for sentimental ones. Obviously my wedding ring (and engagement ring - they were fused together) means a lot to me, and the diamond heart was given to me after I had Emily. It was the first piece of jewelry that Steve picked out all on his own and it was perfect.
So I'm calling the company today and telling them I no longer need their services because I'm no longer comfortable having them in my house. I'm a trusting person by nature, so when stuff like this happens, it tends to totally throw me for a loop. It's incredibly disappointing to me because I really don't want to believe they took it, but all evidence seems to point that way.
Even if we replace the ring, it won't be quite the same, knowing it's not my original wedding ring and engagement ring. And I'm heartbroken over my necklace.
UPDATE: To add to my suspicion, the phone number for the office is being "checked for problems". Um yeah, since Saturday. I'm going to try to send an urgent email and see what happens.
UPDATE #2: I heard back from the company. They will be investigating on their end, and their policy is to submit a police report, which is what I am going to do as well. They had moved, hence the phone number problems. Yet, I don't have much hope in the jewelry being recovered.
July 18, 2005
Tagged by the lovely Snidget.
Three things you like about yourself:
- My eyes
- My hair
- My brain
Three physical things you don't like about yourself:
- My thighs
- My belly
- My depression & anxiety
Three things that scare you:
- something happening to my girls
- tornadoes
- spiders
Three of your everyday essentials:
- lap top
- coffee
- prozac
Three things you are wearing now:
- Yellow T-shirt
- Green shorts
- My glasses
Three of your favorite bands or musical artists:
- Gavin DeGraw
- Led Zeppelin
- Barenaked Ladies
Three things you want in a relationship:
- Laughter
- Support
- Respect
Two truths and a lie:
- I lost my shit at a "self-help" seminar and fled before it was finished
- I used to drive a red 4x4 pick-up truck
- I accidentally overdosed my meds one time and couldn't sleep for 2 days
Three physical things that turn you on:
- Eyes, you can tell a lot by looking in someone's eyes
- Strong arms
- Good thick hair
Three of your favorite hobbies:
- Painting
- Reading
- Photography (even though I totally suck at it)
Three things you really want to do right now:
- Go back to bed
- Find some caffeinated drink
- Lose weight
Three careers you'd consider:
- Landscape Designer
- Chocolatier
- Artist
Three places you want to go on vacation:
- Italy
- Ireland
- France
Three things you want to do before you die:
- Live a beautiful life
- Raise my children right
- Go on an African Photo Safari
Three people to pass it on to:
Michelle
Ben
Chrissie
Three things you like about yourself:
- My eyes
- My hair
- My brain
Three physical things you don't like about yourself:
- My thighs
- My belly
- My depression & anxiety
Three things that scare you:
- something happening to my girls
- tornadoes
- spiders
Three of your everyday essentials:
- lap top
- coffee
- prozac
Three things you are wearing now:
- Yellow T-shirt
- Green shorts
- My glasses
Three of your favorite bands or musical artists:
- Gavin DeGraw
- Led Zeppelin
- Barenaked Ladies
Three things you want in a relationship:
- Laughter
- Support
- Respect
Two truths and a lie:
- I lost my shit at a "self-help" seminar and fled before it was finished
- I used to drive a red 4x4 pick-up truck
- I accidentally overdosed my meds one time and couldn't sleep for 2 days
Three physical things that turn you on:
- Eyes, you can tell a lot by looking in someone's eyes
- Strong arms
- Good thick hair
Three of your favorite hobbies:
- Painting
- Reading
- Photography (even though I totally suck at it)
Three things you really want to do right now:
- Go back to bed
- Find some caffeinated drink
- Lose weight
Three careers you'd consider:
- Landscape Designer
- Chocolatier
- Artist
Three places you want to go on vacation:
- Italy
- Ireland
- France
Three things you want to do before you die:
- Live a beautiful life
- Raise my children right
- Go on an African Photo Safari
Three people to pass it on to:
Michelle
Ben
Chrissie
June 22, 2005
Dragging the trash bins to the curb tonight, relishing the feeling of accomplishment that comes from completing my tasks of the day, I am struck by the beauty of all I have around me.
The still silence of the night, punctuated only by the chicka-chicka-chicka-chicka-whirr of a neighbors sprinkler.
Another neighbor, softly illuminated by her landscape lights, giving her garden one last drink.
The warm night, with just the slightest hint of coolness, and the softest of breezes.
In the light of the full moon I can see the remnants of the artwork my daughters created on the driveway.
I have moved to the deck to enjoy this rare night.
Out of the corner of my eye I see lights blinking out as neighbors start retreating to their bedrooms.
I am serenaded by the gentle hum of the air conditioner next door.
A few small insects explore the strange brightness emmanating from the screen of my laptop, trying to determine the source of this beacon
I see what I think are stars until I look closer. What I am seeing is planes in a holding pattern waiting to land at O'Hare.
Looking intently I can make out the Big Dipper.
And look - there's the Little Dipper. Do you see it?
The neighborhood darkens as more lights are extinguished.
Everything feels right in the world. I feel right in the world.
I savor this feeling of "oneness".
May 10, 2005
UPDATE: The certificates must have expired, yet there is NOTHING about an expiration date printed anywhere on the damned thing. Poo-poo heads.
Snidget this is right up your alley.
I need help deciding on a pair of shoes to buy. Here's the deal. I found $40 in Spiegel certificates and I'm not at a size where shopping for clothes online is easy. I'm pretty sure these certificates don't expire, so of course I want to spend them immediately. So I thought I would go for a pair of shoes, but I need help deciding.
OPTION #1
OPTION #2
Sadly, the rest of the Spiegel online store is lacking in stuff that interests me.
Snidget this is right up your alley.
I need help deciding on a pair of shoes to buy. Here's the deal. I found $40 in Spiegel certificates and I'm not at a size where shopping for clothes online is easy. I'm pretty sure these certificates don't expire, so of course I want to spend them immediately. So I thought I would go for a pair of shoes, but I need help deciding.
OPTION #1
OPTION #2
Sadly, the rest of the Spiegel online store is lacking in stuff that interests me.